Not everyone is meant to support you in every way.

Different people bring different strengths.
Some are great listeners.
Some are solution focused.
Some are emotional anchors, while others are the cheerleaders you didn’t know you needed.

But here’s where it gets tricky:
When we’re in a vulnerable place, we often expect the wrong person to give us the right thing.

And that mismatch?
It hurts.

It’s not that they don’t care.
It’s that they don’t know how and maybe they were never meant to.

The power of asking strategically, not just emotionally.

When you’re drowning, it makes sense to reach for whoever’s closest.
But when it comes to growth, healing, and clarity, we need to get intentional about who we lean on.

Ask yourself:

• Who in my life actually gets this part of my journey?
• Who can hold space without judgment?
• Who challenges me with love, not criticism?
• Who supports my evolution, not just my comfort zone?

When you get clear on what kind of support you need—emotional, practical, spiritual, creative, accountability-based, you’ll know who to ask (and who to give grace to when they can’t show up in that way).

Not all advice is equal.

Someone can love you and still give you advice based on their fear, their worldview, or their limits.

Be mindful of who you let influence your decisions.
Sometimes, the most well-meaning people are offering support that’s rooted in keeping you safe, not helping you grow.

Redefining what support looks like.

Support isn’t always a pep talk or a fix-it plan.

Sometimes, it’s:

• Someone texting, “I’m thinking of you.”
• A coach or therapist helping you untangle your thoughts.
• A friend sitting beside you, not saying a word.
• A community that gets it, even if they’ve never met you in person.
• Saying “no” to someone draining so you can say “yes” to yourself.

Support isn’t about quantity.
It’s about quality.
It’s about fit.

Asking the right people doesn’t make you picky or high maintenance.
It makes you self-aware. It makes you wise.

And here’s the magic:
When you stop begging for support in the wrong places, you free up energy to find it where it actually exists.

A reminder for you……

You’re not too much for needing support.
You’re not weak for asking.
And you’re not ungrateful for wanting the kind that actually helps.

So, be brave. Get specific. Ask clearly.
And remember: You deserve to be held by people who can actually hold you.

The post Ask the Right People: Getting the Right Support for Your Real Life. appeared first on KATE TILSTON - PRACTICAL LIFE COACH.

“I’m just so busy”

“There are not enough hours in the day”

“I’m exhausted, it’s non-stop…”

Recognise any of these statements? Are you someone who is constantly talking about how busy they are? Do you have a friend that is always “so busy, so stressed from being so busy?”

To a certain extent, we are ALL busy and depending on our definition of busy, some more than others. Some people like to tell you, constantly, how busy they are. Some rush around showing you how busy they are.

Do you enjoy being busy?

Some people thrive on it but in my experience, on the whole, most people claim that they don’t enjoy it, that it leaves them feeling worn out, stressed, overwhelmed. So why do we make ourselves or allow ourselves to be so busy?

What do you gain from telling people how busy you are?

Sometimes it’s because people need to find reasons for not doing other things. Maybe they forgot a birthday or haven’t been in contact for a long time – it’s easier to say it’s because they’ve been SO busy.

Others are convincing themselves that they are being productive because they are filling up every hour of every day with something.

If you think back to my last blog, it might be a label that you have worn for such a long time that you assume that everyone expects you to be busy, to be leading a hectic life.

Do you need to be so busy?

In coaching sessions with busy clients, we look at their week and what is keeping them so busy. For some, it’s the desire to provide their children with endless activities which often don’t really suit the rest of the family.

Others recognise that they are not using their downtime wisely – endless scrolling eats up valuable time and then they are cramming other tasks into a smaller space and not leaving space for the good stuff.

Over committing.

We can all be guilty of this. Saying yes to things that we then need to find space for in the diary when actually we have been really ‘busy’ for the last few weeks/months and could do with some less busy time.

It’s not always possible to space things out to be less busy BUT what we can do is be aware that some if this is of our own doing. It’s a choice we are making to be busy.

Maybe consider the following.

1. Children do not need to be occupied 24/7 dealing with boredom is a valuable skill to learn. Ask yourself, “do they need to attend quite so many clubs or activities?”
2. Keep an eye on the diary. Once a month have a free weekend – a weekend without plans that allows you to be spontaneous OR rest.
3. By saying “yes” to that social event, what is it that you will have to say “no” to and if that is peace of mind, some time out, is it worth it on the energy scale?
4. What would happen if you stopped telling people how busy you are? How do you think they would respond? How would it make you feel? Is it a label to let go of?
5. What does a less busy life look like for you?

Maybe, before you tell everyone how busy you are, have a think about whether this is your own doing? Perhaps you could change the narrative or actually not say anything at all?

Maybe saying to someone “sorry I haven’t called, when can we get something in the diary to catch up properly?” Could that be enough?

Like everything, it’s all about balance and choices and the only person that can change that is you.

If you don’t want to be busy……don’t be!

The post Don’t be…….. appeared first on KATE TILSTON - PRACTICAL LIFE COACH.

We also know that sometimes we can’t help and we have to accept that too. It might be that the person needs to work through some stuff, it might be that by helping them it’s more “rescuing them” than actual help.

Doing what someone needs, not what we think they need.

Working out what to do for the best or not, can be tricky but if we take time to stop and check in with ourselves that we are not just charging and not thinking about what they want and not what we think they need, means we can offer good support.

Feeling overwhelmed.

Sometimes the situation lends itself to offering up purely practical help. Often when people are struggling, they find it difficult when someone asks them the question “what can I do to help?” because they don’t actually know. They are feeling like a rabbit caught between the headlights, overwhelmed or maybe poorly and they just can’t think straight.

So what can you do?

Below are some ideas of practical things you can either offer to do or even just go ahead and do if you know the individual well enough.

Obviously, these won’t apply to everyone but add your own things to the list. Think purely practical. What would you like someone to do for you if or when you have been in this situation – what has been that lifesaving thing?

Practical help.

• Walk their dog.
• Do some basic food shopping.
• Turn up with easy to heat up meals.
• Take paper plates and cups to your friend who has just had a baby (not the most environmentally friendly but as a one off, if they’re really struggling it can help!)
• Change their bed sheets.
• Bung a wash on.
• Run the hoover around.
• Organise an online shop for them.
• Give them a lift to a doctor’s appointment.
• Book a manicure or something you know is a treat that they’d appreciate.
• Drop around a pile of 2^nd hand books.
• Pop in, make a cuppa and have a chat but keep it short and manageable.
• Listen. Don’t offer solutions, just listen.

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How many of you have contacts in either of those places that you don’t see or hear from anymore?

Accumulating people.

It is inevitable in most people’s lives that as they grow older, they accumulate more and more contacts – (don’t even start me on Face Book and Linked In!) and this can often feel overwhelming particularly if you are someone who has prided themselves in the past on keeping in regular contact with as many of those people as possible. It’s also exhausting and to be quite honest, nigh on impossible.

If you think about it, we collect friends as we go through life. Some might be from school, Uni, work or friends you’ve met through various social activities, or you’ve been introduced by other friends – one thing is for certain, there will be a variety of people some of whom no longer serve you well.

We have all changed.

Now that might sound a little harsh, but if you have a think about how you have changed over the years, how your personality has developed over time, perhaps your tastes and interests have changed, it figures that theirs will have done so too.

With more and more pressure to “add friends” by the click of a button, we sometimes don’t stop long enough to ask ourselves whether this is an “actual” friend that we wish to invest time and energy into, or a social media “friend” who if we’re being really honest, we have very little real interest in apart from to see what they’ve been up to over the last X number of years?

Decluttering your contacts list.

One of the exercises I do with many of my clients is to ask them to go through their address book and phone contacts to have a bit of a de-clutter. It’s an interestingly tricky thing to do for most people. We find ourselves saying things like “oh well, I went to school with them, it’s nice to keep in touch.” – Do you though, or are they someone that you no longer have anything in common with? Or, we say “I worked with them many years ago, I might need to get in touch with them at some point.” – Will you though, or are they sitting there taking up mental space or making you feel guilty that you haven’t made the effort to stay in touch?

Probably the most difficult de-cluttering is those who you have had more regular contact with but for whatever reason, their friendship no longer works for you, but it feels mean to cut the ties.

It’s time to be honest with yourself.

I think we need to be realistic and ask ourselves whether the energy you’re investing into this person is worth it? Friendship is a two-way thing and if you’re the one that makes all the effort, is this person a friend or someone that is around because they are getting something out of it without having to do very much.

Friends that we meet through others can be a tough one. If one of your best mates introduces you to another of their friends, should you automatically get on with them? Surely you will all have a lot in common. What if you don’t? You can still have a pleasant relationship that allows you to share social occasions with your mate & his/her other friend without adding them to you literal/mental phone book and having yet another person to make effort with.

Time is precious.

With time as precious as it is, with our diaries filling up with things to do and people to see, it strikes me that it’s time to be a little more discerning about who we give our energy away to.

I realise that some people reading this will think that I’m being a little cutthroat about all of this, that’s not my intention.

Use your energy wisely.

Imagine how it would feel if there were not so many people that you felt answerable to? What could you do with that energy? More to the point, how many more lovely things could you do with the people that REALLY matter because you now don’t feel drained by the constant juggling act you’ve been doing?

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Asking for help isn’t failing.

When I’ve talked with clients about this, they talk about how it makes them feel “having” to ask others to help them out, a feeling of somehow failing or falling short. Things have to get really bad for them to reach out to someone else for support. Why do we wait for that to happen?

How would it be if we were to speak up BEFORE things got really difficult? What about asking for just a little bit of help?

I think that sometimes we associate “getting help” with large issues that we are struggling with, the things that have knocked us for six, so we then look to others for some support. Maybe it’s time to change that and look at ways others could help us before we hit the crunch point?

Little bits of help.

Here are some ideas that might work for you, things that you could practice asking for help with just to ease the load.

• Talking – sometimes we don’t need/want physical help, being able to say what’s bothering us out loud can help. Explain to a friend what you need, that you don’t need the issue resolving but just need to offload and let them listen.
• Outsourcing – this can have a cost attached to it but if you are really feeling up against it, outsourcing tasks that take energy can help even if it’s a one off.
• Delegating – not always easy but if there are tasks that others could do for you either at work OR at home, ask. If you don’t ask, they won’t know to help.
• Don’t refuse help – if someone offers to help, accept graciously – it can be a cup of tea, putting the bins out (oh the glamour) picking up a pint of milk at the shops, little things that are possibly easier to accept than the BIG stuff but can still help.

If we can change our mindset to asking for help before we reach crisis point, we not only save ourselves a whole load of stress and anxiety, but we enable others to be part of our lives in a way that can help and satisfy them too. Life feels a lot less lonely when we all have each other’s backs!

The post Asking for a “little bit of help.” appeared first on KATE TILSTON - PRACTICAL LIFE COACH.

Avoid resentment.

Now, the reason I say “appears to be” is that sometimes being that flexible person can not only be very tiring but can also build resentment.

Recently, I was having a discussion with a client who is that flexible friend.

As a person with no children, the common assumption is that she is more flexible -particularly when it comes to travel. She was explaining to me that more often than not, she’d be invited to various engagements, which although lovely came with an expectation that she would do the travelling.

Throughout our session, she shared other situations where personal circumstances made her feel like others expected her to constantly adjust her plans. This built-up resentment as she felt she was always accommodating their needs.

How to navigate a new pattern.

Obviously, it is not just people who are without children or partners that are deemed to be flexible. Sometimes we set ourselves up to be that person by always being the one in the past who has made the effort. Once we’re on a particular path though, changing course can be tricky. How can we navigate this effectively, considering both our own needs and the understanding of others? Here’s how:

• Don’t feel mean! Just because you’ve always been the flexible friend, doesn’t mean you have to continue being that person. Life changes and so do we. If you need to do things differently, do it.

• Manage expectations. Right from the off, the minute you get asked to attend something, give yourself some space to look at whether you really want to do it. Don’t say yes instantly, as in theory you’re also saying yes to your previous ability to be flexible.

• Don’t be afraid to say no – without justification. Saying no can feel very alien if you’ve always said yes. Once you start justifying why, you can tie yourself up in knots. “No, I’m sorry but I’m not around that weekend but would love to catch up another time” is enough.

• Offer up opportunities for others to make the effort. Make suggestions of times when you could get together but on your terms. If the other party is unable to commit or makes noises about how tricky it is, let it go. You’ve offered up a chance to meet, they can’t make it, they’ll be another time.

Friendship is a two-way thing.

It’s not always down to you to be that flexible friend, to be the one to make the effort. Friendship is a two-way thing and yes, sometimes it is very difficult for people to meet up due to their circumstances, but that doesn’t mean that you have to make it right or

The post How to Stop Being the Friend Who Always Bends Over Backwards. appeared first on KATE TILSTON - PRACTICAL LIFE COACH.

The Enthusiast

Are you the enthusiastic one, who looks to encourage them even if sometimes the dreams seem a little far-fetched or unachievable?

The Realist

Perhaps your friends come to you because they know you are the person who will be encouraging, but will also be authentic and realistic about what they’re trying to achieve?

The Disapprover

Or are you the friend wo tends to “p*** on their fireworks?” Obviously, no one wants to be known as the disapprover – it sounds quite miserable or even as if you’re a little jealous – but there are people out there who cannot contain their disapproval of others’ actions.

How do they show it?

They tend to be the friend or family member that has a good line in tuts or eye rolling. If they’re not quite that dramatic, they might decide to explain to you why things just won’t work. No encouragement, no enthusiasm, just a list of the reasons NOT to do something.

Keep a check on ourselves.

Sometimes, if we are feeling a bit low, run-down or tired, it is quite easy to slip into disapproval mode. We can seem negative and then when we leave, we feel bad that we weren’t more encouraging. We know we’ve left the other person feeling delated. Who wants to do that?

My mum (and I expect yours too) always used to say, ‘if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all!’

If you’re asked your opinion, just check in with yourself that you are not going to ruin their moment. I’m not suggesting you go along with whatever is said just to keep the peace BUT if they ask you to be honest, maybe just check with them as to how ‘honest’ they want you to be!

If you can see that they really need you to be enthusiastic and you think that it’s a terrible idea, saying something like “it’s lovely to see you so fired up about this, explain to me a bit more about how X works.” Or “this isn’t something I have experience in – I’m so pleased you’re buzzing, but you might get more helpful feedback from X.” It will give you some space to think about how you handle the conversation and not hurt other’s  feelings.

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