As the sun rises higher in the sky and the days stretch lazily ahead, there’s a palpable sense of possibility and relaxation that comes with the summer season. Summer can offer a unique opportunity to align with the rhythms of nature, to slow down and savour life’s simple joys.

Where do we start?

• Embrace the calm of nature – Where possible get outside and experience the different landscapes around us. It can be a park, the countryside, a garden, the beach. Focus on what is around you, notice the little things, the sounds, the smells. How does it make you feel?

• Find your rhythm – Maybe your routine shifts, prompting you to wake up earlier and relish the tranquillity before the hustle and bustle of the day begins. Perhaps you find yourself staying up later, indulging in extended outdoor activities or basking in the serenity of your home while others sleep. Discover the rhythm that suits you best.

• Simple pleasures – Enjoy a good book while sitting in the sunshine with a cuppa. Watch the sunset with friends. Create a picnic to share with your family. Take a walk with no time constraints.

• Let go of expectations – Maybe this is the summer where you don’t have endless plans, where you have the space for spontaneity? Go with the flow, see what happens, allow it to be whatever it is rather than piling on expectation and then feeling disappointed.

• Manage commitments – Don’t say yes to everything asked of you. Make sure that the things you do decide to say yes to bring you joy and balance out other areas in your life. Over-committing is overwhelming and certainly doesn’t bring peace!

These are just a few ways you can find some balance this summer.

Pockets of Peace

And if all of that seems an impossibility, then search out your pockets of peace. Find those moments in the day when you can appreciate the different rhythm of summer even if it’s just a pocket of peace.

Visualise what a peaceful and balanced summer looks like for you – how could you work to make that happen?

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After I had qualified, I remained with the agency whilst building up my client list on the side. It was exhausting but incredibly rewarding and I knew that it was what I wanted to be doing.

A “sliding door” moment.

It took a major road traffic accident where I manage to actually close part of the M25 one Friday afternoon, to push me to take the plunge. I had just returned from sealing a deal with a major brand and was on my way back to the office when a large foreign lorry veered out of control and smacked me into the central reservation of the motorway.

To this day, I still feel incredibly grateful to be alive and although I suffered severe whiplash and bruising, there were no other injuries apart from the very vivid flashbacks I endured until I got some professional help. The emergency services were phenomenal and as I sat in the car, waiting to be cut out (yes it was that bad) I decided I’d had enough of marketing, and it was time to do something else.

Taking the plunge.

I took the plunge. I had some savings and an understanding and supportive partner, but it was a big decision, and I just didn’t know whether I could manage it financially. I was scared, had many sleepless nights and at time doubted my sanity. Who gives up a well-paid job, company car and “perks” like sick pay, holiday pay etc for the unknown?

I did and 18 years later, I am so glad I did.

It wasn’t always easy.

I’m not saying it was easy. There were times we had to borrow money just to pay the bills. Getting the flu sent me into a spiral of anxiety as no work meant no money. I hated having to constantly network and push myself to get new business but once I received the first testimonial from a client and saw how I’d helped them make some considerable changes in their life, it started to feel worth it.

Always Learning

It continues to be hard work, you are constantly learning, updating your knowledge. You can’t be complacent and just expect clients to fall in your lap and you still get sick and still don’t get paid sick pay or for any holidays you might take but it is also HUGELY rewarding.

I LOVE IT!

I have worked and continue to work with some remarkable people. I have witnessed incredible bravery, immense human kindness, people overcoming fears that then set them free. It can be very humbling, at times great fun and also actually life changing, and I get to be part of that.

I hope to coach for many years to come – it’s never been a “job” but is most definitely my vocation and I LOVE IT!

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But then, you get the job and start thinking about what your next promotion will be. You get a nicer house and start looking at how you can improve it. You try to change certain things about your partner, and you find other things about them that you feel need to be changed too. It keeps going and going.

Instead, what if we learnt to be more content now, to feel some gratitude for what we’ve got without any external changes?

How do we do this?

1. Take a moment to be grateful for something. Maybe it would be a good idea to write a gratitude diary, jotting down 3 things each day that you feel grateful for.
2. If you catch yourself thinking, “This is rubbish, this is unfair” Find a way to be thankful for the situation. “My husband is a good & caring person — maybe I should give him a hug.” “My house might be messy but at least I have a roof over my head.”
3. Find the little things that can give you simple joys. What do you need, to feel happy? I love simple things, like walking by the sea, spending time with loved ones, reading a book, drinking tea. These cost very little, and require very little effort, and can make me very happy.
4. Find the things about yourself that you’re happy with. We tend to criticize ourselves easily, but what if we turned it around and asked, “What do I do right? What am I good at? What is loveable about me?” Make a list. Start to focus on these things rather than what you’re unhappy with.
5. Do the same with others in your life. Instead of criticizing them, ask yourself, “What is good about this person? What do I love about them?” Make a list and focus on these things above all else.

The moment we are living in is not a stepping-stone to something better — it is exactly as it is and can be wonderful, it can be difficult and challenging, but everything changes all the time and we need to focus on the now.

We can choose to be happy now.

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These days we have some fantastic role models of “older” ladies, women are seemingly coming into their own later in life, appearing to care less about fitting in and caring more about the quality of their life so why does ageing still come up in my coaching sessions on a regular basis?

As a practical Life coach, I coach both men and women and I think it is fair to say that I rarely have a conversation about age with my male clients. We might discuss related issues such as career change, redundancy and how to deal with that but NOT what they look like. Obviously, there is the occasional male client who is struggling with getting older, less fit maybe, but for me, it has only been occasionally.

What is interesting is that some of the subject matter might change for individual clients, but that overall, most of my clients who are dealing with getting older and all that it brings, struggle with very similar issues.

So how do we change our thought patterns and our beliefs to embrace (or at least manage) getting older?

A few of the things that I’ve worked on with clients that can help..…

1. Limit your time on social media – stop comparing yourself to friends and even people you don’t know. You have no idea how “real” the life that they are portraying online is and therefore have no idea of the possible struggles they too are contending with. You also don’t know how much time they’ve spent photoshopping their pictures!

2. Engage with other positive people. Search out people who are of a similar age that are embracing their lives – the ones who are getting out there and making the most of what they have. Again, if you spend enough time around positivity, it will have a knock-on effect on you. Avoid the “woe is me” brigade – you don’t need to add to any negativity you are feeling, that’s for sure.

3. Maybe it’s time for some personal re-evaluation? Do you need to feel healthier, fitter to feel better? Maybe invest in a personal trainer or research a class that you could join that would not only get you out but meeting others?

4. Perhaps it’s time for a wardrobe overhaul? It might seem like a frivolous expense, but Style Coaches/Image consultants can make a HUGE difference to how you are feeling about yourself. I have clients who feel that their image consultancy session has saved them literally hundreds of pounds and left them feeling much more positive about their overall look.

5. Working with a Life Coach and looking at how you want your life to be right now, having a positive and practical action plan to empower you can also be something to add to your tool kit of life!

Embracing getting older.

I have worked with women that wholeheartedly embrace getting older and the empowerment that they feel it brings them. They have done a lot of self-work and can appreciate the journey they have travelled and be grateful for the experiences along the way.

I asked one of these clients, how she had maintained this attitude of positivity and her response was as follows;

“I don’t claim to have it all sorted, I too have days where I look in the mirror and don’t recognise the woman staring back at me, but I choose to confront those feelings and be grateful that I actually have the opportunity to stand and look in the mirror as so many of my family and friends will never be fortunate enough to experience ageing.”

A sobering thought but also so true.

Ageing is inevitable.

Ageing is inevitable and something those of us lucky to be able to experience have a choice – we can fight it all the way OR we can decide to embrace it the best we can and appreciate and be thankful for the amazing body that has got us this far, every wrinkle/laughter line that tells a story, every scar every lump and bump that shows we have lived and continue to do so. Some days it won’t be easy, ask for help if you’re struggling – it is one of the experiences we will all share, the good bits and the bad.

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Do you have conversations with people about NOT feeling appreciated?

For you to feel appreciated, what must happen? I talk a lot about gratitude and being grateful for things/people in our lives as do many others, but there doesn’t seem to be much discussion about appreciation and how we can both show others we appreciate them or explain to others how they can help us to feel appreciated.

I suspect that given some thought, you can probably come up with several examples where you’ve felt unappreciated or certainly situations where the level of appreciation hasn’t seemed to “match up” to what you might have done?

I actually feel quite uncomfortable even writing this as it sounds a little “needy” but having experienced a couple of occasions where I have felt unseen, unheard, not really appreciated, it got me thinking and of course, it’s come up in sessions with clients who’ve felt the same.

I realised that for me, in order to feel appreciated, I need action rather than words. Don’t get me wrong, a thank you or an acknowledgement of what I have done is gratefully received but in certain instances, it feels like the easy option or lacking effort.

Now I know that it’s not always appropriate to display appreciation by a physical action – flowers, a card etc. but in some instances, a kind thought, a demonstration that you have been thought of and perhaps prioritised can take very little effort but can make the receiver of the attention feel special, appreciated.

I am an actions person and therefore when someone takes the time, makes the effort to actually do something for me, it means a HUGE amount, but I am not particularly good at explaining that to others. I assume (and we all know that seldom ends well) that people will miraculously recognise that it’s the little but physical actions that will make me feel appreciated – the cup of tea, someone suggesting I sit down while they wash up, doing something to make my day easier without being asked, the pound bunch of daffodils just because they can…..I could go on.

So, I’m going to work hard to try and voice to my loved ones, what they can do to help me feel appreciated (if I’m going to talk the talk, I need to walk the walk.) I’m also going to make sure that I continue to demonstrate small acts of kindness to people I love to ensure that they too feel appreciated and seen.

It’s not always the extravagant gifts, it’s not just the words “thank you”, it’s the little things, the effort you put in, that go such a long way in showing your appreciation for those you love and care for.

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• noun

“The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.”

Last week, I had a conversation with a client about feeling grateful and how it was something that they wanted to a) continue feeling and b) wanted their children to be more aware of. We discussed as to how easy it is to forget the little things, the things that make a huge difference to our lives that somehow go unnoticed.

So, gratitude is an emotion similar to appreciation and research has found neurological reasons why so many people can benefit from the practice of expressing thanks for our lives, even in times of challenge and change.

There are 2 stages of gratitude according to Doctor Robert Emmons (2003):

1. First comes the acknowledgment of goodness in one’s life. In a state of gratitude, we say yes to life. We affirm that all in all, life is good, and has elements that make worth living, and rich in texture. The acknowledgment that we have received something gratifies us, both by its presence and by the effort the giver put into choosing it.
2. Second, gratitude is recognising that some of the sources of this goodness lie outside ourselves. We can be grateful to other people, to animals and to the world. We recognise the goodness in our lives and who to thank for it, i.e., who made sacrifices so that we could be happy?

Why Gratitude Works.

Gratitude is a selfless act. Its’ acts are done unconditionally, to show to people that they are appreciated. “A gift that is freely given” is one way to understand what these acts are like.

For example, if someone is sad and you write them a note telling them how much you appreciate them, you are not likely to be asking for something in return; instead, you are reminding them of their value, and expressing gratitude for their existence. You are not waiting for a “return note” from this person.

Even when we do not expect a return, sometimes they happen. Gratitude can be contagious, in a good way. Maybe having written that note, your friend will recognise when you are having a tough time and send you a little reminder of their thankfulness to have you in their life?

There are many studies that show where gratitude can improve our mental health, some of the areas are;

1. Enhancing your wellbeing
2. Creating deeper relationships
3. Improving optimism
4. Increasing your happiness
5. Greater self-esteem

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

With this in mind, what can we do to build better practices of gratitude in our lives? A gratitude journal is a great way to start

So, this evening, before you go to sleep, think of the positive things that happened during your day and write them down in your journal. It doesn’t have to be anything huge, it can be the smallest things, maybe things that you would usually take for granted?

Some of the things I have jotted down in the past are:

• I have a safe space to sleep tonight
• I can turn on the electricity by the flick of a switch
• I turn on the tap and clean fresh water comes out

Obviously, you can also note the bigger things that you are grateful for – a promotion at work, selling your house quickly, a friend or relative that has come through a tough time – get the picture?

The trick is to do this EVERY night, even when you’ve had a “bad day” there will always be something to feel grateful for. For those struggling with depression or anxiety, this can also frame the beginning of a day: before getting out of bed, experiment and find the right time for you.

If you have children, take a moment with them before bedtime to ask them to think about something they’re grateful for themselves. Share what you’re grateful for, let them see your appreciation for the positive things in your life.

On the whole, we have lots to be grateful for even during the toughest of times, I always feel uplifted by the action of gratitude, I enjoy making people feel appreciated, I love reading about random acts of kindness and I’m grateful for those kind people in the world – practicing gratitude is a great habit to get into and can make such a difference to how you are feeling.

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Those familiar with my blogs will be very well aware that I am NOT a new year resolutions person. Nor do I believe in setting goals for the year ahead in January, when it’s cold, dark and usually a gloomy month.

However, there is just no escape from the relentless media coverage of ‘new year, new you’ or other headlines suggesting that you cut back, cut out, step up, and all in all, remove anything remotely pleasurable from your life. That does not sound like a happy new year to me!

What I want to know is NOT what are the things you are cutting out in 2023, but what you are going to ADD into it to feel more fulfilled? How can you create pockets of happiness? What things are going to add value to your life?

I’m not for one minute saying that people shouldn’t make new year resolutions or cut out things that are making them unhappy or unhealthy, but it seems to me we focus so much on the negative side of habit changing that we start from the wrong place. If we come from ‘this is going to be a struggle’, it just makes it even harder to feel motivated for change. Instead this year, make your new year resolutions about what you can add to your life, and makes you feel happier and healthier.

In 2023 I am going to –

1. Spend more time with friends who energise me, who add something positive to my life.

2. Add regular breaks into my calendar and actual time away from work to recharge the batteries.

3. I’m going to seek out events that inspire me or make me happy, whether that’s live music or a theatre performance. There might not be many, but I am going to find ones that count, as quality not quantity matters more to me.

4. I’m going to be more adventurous with my meal planning. I know that sounds boring, but I want more variety in my diet and to experiment cooking different things.

5. I’m going to do more dancing! I LOVE dancing, I don’t know how yet but I’m going to find a way to have more dancing in my life.

That’s just for starters. See how much more joyful it sounds though?

So, while people are embarking on dry January or working out what food groups they need to eliminate from their diet, I’m going to be dancing around my kitchen, planning adventures with my friends, enjoying new tastes and experiences. I hope you join me!

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When I was growing up and a teenager visiting various homes of friends, I became very aware of others surroundings, the homes they lived in and sometimes the differences in their homes to mine.

Don’t get me wrong, I too had to keep my room tidy and was expected to do certain chores BUT it wasn’t a priority in our house, my Mum was far more interested in the collage I’d just made or the dance I’d just learnt. I can remember remarking to my Mum about the pristine barely “lived in” looking homes where the parents seemed to spend a huge amount of time dusting, cleaning and moaning at their kids for not tidying their rooms, that it seemed a shame that it was such a “thing” for some people.

Her reply was “life is too short to dust sweetheart.”

The truth of the matter is that our house was never dirty, slightly chaotic maybe, but it was welcoming, fun, homely, creative and everyone who walked through our front door did not say “gosh, it’s a bit dusty in here” they would accept the cup of tea or glass of wine always offered, they’d make space at the kitchen table where some creation was always in progress, and join in with whatever happened to be going on in our house at the time.

Life is precious, we can get caught up with day to day drudgery which often we impose on ourselves and forget that our children, our friends, ourselves, won’t look back and say “I remember Kate’s house, it was always immaculate” they are more likely to say, “I loved going to Kate’s home, it always felt so welcoming” and I know which I would rather be remembered for.

In the words of the wonderful Rose Milligan –

“Dust if you must ……..
but wouldn’t it be better to paint a picture or write a letter,
bake cookies or a cake and lick the spoon or plant a seed,
ponder the difference between want and need?!

Dust if you must,

but there’s not much time . . . .
with beer to drink , rivers to swim and mountains to climb ,
music to hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead.
Dust if you must,
but the world’s out there with the sun in your eyes,
the wind in your hair,
a flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
This day will not come around, again.
Dust if you must………………………..
but bear in mind, old age will come and it’s not kind. . .
And when you go – and go you must – you, yourself will make more dust!”

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It also meant that we spent quite a lot of time in the car together, time we wouldn’t usually have where we were able to catch up on each other’s news, talk about all sorts of things that again we would probably usually gloss over when we were catching up for our usual coffee as we just wouldn’t normally have the time.

I have to admit that sometimes when I haven’t seen various friends for quite some time it has been easy to wonder whether I’m making enough effort or even whether they are making effort to catch up? I know from my clients that this is something that comes up regularly for them, they worry about juggling day-to-day life stuff and keeping in contact with good friends and family, making sure that people feel included and that they are showing interest in their friend’s lives. I think it’s fair to say we probably all do a bit of this don’t we?

Spending time with my friend was a really good reality check as she described her busy life – she works full-time she’s also a mum a wife a sister a friend and like so many, often feels there are not enough hours in the day to get everything done. As she listed through the things that she needed to achieve in the following week I recognised as with so many others the never ending to do list, the slight feeling of overwhelm and she questioned which tasks would have to be carried over to the following week or weeks? Although I knew this was the case, it wasn’t until she said it out loud that it really made me think. She is actually really good about keeping in contact but the description of her week is a carbon copy of so many.

I think we sometimes forget, even though our logical brain is telling us that life is busy, people are busy, that we are busy, sometimes juggling all these things, spinning all these plates, is just exhausting. Even the person with the best intentions in the world, who really would like to catch up with you, to drop you a quick text message or a phone call, at the end of a busy day is probably either still ploughing their way through their task list or has collapsed in a heap on the sofa trying to find the energy to make the pack lunches for tomorrow or hang out the wet washing or remember to post the nieces birthday card!

Sometimes it’s just not possible to be on top of everything in fact I would almost say it is just not realistic to be on top of everything and perhaps we need to cut ourselves a little bit of slack here but also appreciate that those around us are inevitably doing just the same as us.

So maybe that friend that hasn’t text for a few weeks or hasn’t given you a call isn’t being dramatic when they finally do and explain that they’ve been up to their neck in stuff, maybe when you’ve sent yet another text to a friend to check in to see if they’re alright and they don’t respond, rather than feeling aggrieved by it, perhaps consider that they might just not be coping right now with their “life stuff” – it’s just getting in the way and they are literally putting one foot in front of another in order to get things done!

Perhaps we need to lower our expectations (I’m not talking about those people that make no apparent effort and you know who they are) but for the people who your logical brain knows have many commitments and responsibilities – it’s not that they are not thinking of you, it’s not that they don’t care they just have stuff which is called life to navigate around on a daily basis and some days they manage and some days they don’t, just like us and that’s okay and it’s not personal to you.

Most people are busy and doing the best they can!

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I’m sure that many of you will have come across gratitude diaries or journals in your time, it tends to be a favourite of us life coaches – something that we use with clients to help gain perspective, to help people focus on the good in their lives and personally, I have seen them work on many occasions. They can feel quite laborious to do, it can be another thing to add to our daily to do list and at the end of each day, particularly on a bad one trying to think of the things we are grateful for can be quite a test.

I think where we get confused with gratitude and gratitude diaries, is we try to get our brains to think of the big things that we are grateful for and let’s face it there are days where it is very difficult to feel grateful for anything even though we know that’s not really the case – some days are just crap! However if we start to think about gratitude in terms of the little things, the little every day things that we can be grateful for, it is far easier to look around to look at our surroundings, what we are able to do and be grateful for what we have.

When I’m working with clients on gratitude I often suggest that they concentrate on just three things per day to jot down and to choose three seemingly little things. For example, I can get up and by switching a switch I will have electricity, I will have light. By turning a tap I have clean running water at my disposal, I can brush my teeth without worrying about what I’m drinking. I can go to bed on a bed in a bed. Small things that we take for granted but at times like these it becomes more and more apparent that we just shouldn’t.

The thing about gratitude is when it becomes habitual for you, when you learn to look at each day and be grateful for something or someone in it, it will radiate out of you, people will notice, you will feel different about the world. The ability to be able to conjure up something to feel grateful for is also hugely comforting at times when life can feel desperate or out of control, when that dreaded guilt creeps in.

Guilt is a wasted emotion, look around you what can you be grateful for? Who are you grateful for in your life? Our logical brain knows we are lucky to be who we are/where we are, there are some things that are just out of our control and the only thing we can affect is how we deal with them. If our gratitude for what we have drives us to do more to help those that are struggling right now, that can only be a good thing can’t it?

So the next time you’re sitting there overwhelmed by the world, change that feeling of guilt into gratitude it’s far more powerful and will be far more helpful to both you and those around you. A grateful person will endeavour to go out and do positive things, gratitude lifts us up, makes us look at the world through a new lens, it helps us to help others who are having a terrible time, never underestimate the power of that emotion.

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