Not everyone is meant to support you in every way.

Different people bring different strengths.
Some are great listeners.
Some are solution focused.
Some are emotional anchors, while others are the cheerleaders you didn’t know you needed.

But here’s where it gets tricky:
When we’re in a vulnerable place, we often expect the wrong person to give us the right thing.

And that mismatch?
It hurts.

It’s not that they don’t care.
It’s that they don’t know how and maybe they were never meant to.

The power of asking strategically, not just emotionally.

When you’re drowning, it makes sense to reach for whoever’s closest.
But when it comes to growth, healing, and clarity, we need to get intentional about who we lean on.

Ask yourself:

• Who in my life actually gets this part of my journey?
• Who can hold space without judgment?
• Who challenges me with love, not criticism?
• Who supports my evolution, not just my comfort zone?

When you get clear on what kind of support you need—emotional, practical, spiritual, creative, accountability-based, you’ll know who to ask (and who to give grace to when they can’t show up in that way).

Not all advice is equal.

Someone can love you and still give you advice based on their fear, their worldview, or their limits.

Be mindful of who you let influence your decisions.
Sometimes, the most well-meaning people are offering support that’s rooted in keeping you safe, not helping you grow.

Redefining what support looks like.

Support isn’t always a pep talk or a fix-it plan.

Sometimes, it’s:

• Someone texting, “I’m thinking of you.”
• A coach or therapist helping you untangle your thoughts.
• A friend sitting beside you, not saying a word.
• A community that gets it, even if they’ve never met you in person.
• Saying “no” to someone draining so you can say “yes” to yourself.

Support isn’t about quantity.
It’s about quality.
It’s about fit.

Asking the right people doesn’t make you picky or high maintenance.
It makes you self-aware. It makes you wise.

And here’s the magic:
When you stop begging for support in the wrong places, you free up energy to find it where it actually exists.

A reminder for you……

You’re not too much for needing support.
You’re not weak for asking.
And you’re not ungrateful for wanting the kind that actually helps.

So, be brave. Get specific. Ask clearly.
And remember: You deserve to be held by people who can actually hold you.

The post Ask the Right People: Getting the Right Support for Your Real Life. appeared first on KATE TILSTON - PRACTICAL LIFE COACH.

We also know that sometimes we can’t help and we have to accept that too. It might be that the person needs to work through some stuff, it might be that by helping them it’s more “rescuing them” than actual help.

Doing what someone needs, not what we think they need.

Working out what to do for the best or not, can be tricky but if we take time to stop and check in with ourselves that we are not just charging and not thinking about what they want and not what we think they need, means we can offer good support.

Feeling overwhelmed.

Sometimes the situation lends itself to offering up purely practical help. Often when people are struggling, they find it difficult when someone asks them the question “what can I do to help?” because they don’t actually know. They are feeling like a rabbit caught between the headlights, overwhelmed or maybe poorly and they just can’t think straight.

So what can you do?

Below are some ideas of practical things you can either offer to do or even just go ahead and do if you know the individual well enough.

Obviously, these won’t apply to everyone but add your own things to the list. Think purely practical. What would you like someone to do for you if or when you have been in this situation – what has been that lifesaving thing?

Practical help.

• Walk their dog.
• Do some basic food shopping.
• Turn up with easy to heat up meals.
• Take paper plates and cups to your friend who has just had a baby (not the most environmentally friendly but as a one off, if they’re really struggling it can help!)
• Change their bed sheets.
• Bung a wash on.
• Run the hoover around.
• Organise an online shop for them.
• Give them a lift to a doctor’s appointment.
• Book a manicure or something you know is a treat that they’d appreciate.
• Drop around a pile of 2^nd hand books.
• Pop in, make a cuppa and have a chat but keep it short and manageable.
• Listen. Don’t offer solutions, just listen.

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As Valentines Day approaches, it can stir up all sorts of emotions for many reasons (I’ve written lots of blogs on the subject in the past) and the media is filled with love stories but also, I’ve noticed, so many articles on “Learning to love ourselves.”

Loving yourself first.

It has been claimed on numerous occasions that until you love yourself, you are unable to love or be loved by someone else, well I’m sorry, but I disagree!

Personally, I think we can have healthy and meaningful relationships when we like ourselves. It doesn’t need to be all or nothing.

What does loving yourself mean?

What does loving ourselves even mean? To some people it feels incredibly self-indulgent? Do we sound big headed? It’s not something that we are taught as we grow up (perhaps that should change?) Does it mean that we are successful in all we do or that we are just more accepting of who we are? But, are we okay if we just like ourselves? What does liking ourselves look and feel like?

I know there are bits of me I really like, there are parts of me that I am really proud of. There are areas in my life where I could do better – I’m most certainly NOT perfect, nor do I want or need to be. Does this mean I don’t love myself?

Learning to like yourself a bit more.

To me this is a better place to start! Even this can feel cringeworthy and quite emotionally challenging but how lovely would it be to really like yourself, to be proud of who you are and what you do?

What can you start with?

1. Think of 3 things that you like about your appearance – it doesn’t have to be the obvious. For me, I like my hands, I have really nice feet, I have a very smiley smile. Make a note and remind yourself regularly of these things you like.
2. Pick 3 things that you are proud of – again, doesn’t need to be major achievements. For me, I’m proud of how I cared for my dying Mum. I’m proud of building a successful coaching practice. I’m proud of my kindness towards others.
3. Pick 3 qualities that you like about yourself – if you struggle with this, what have your friends said about you in the past? I am known for being non-judgemental. I am kind, I am fair.

Just taking the time out to properly think about the things you like about yourself is a really positive action. If you can’t think of 3 things, start with2 or even 1 in each category and build on that.

What if all of that feels too tricky?

Finally, if it really is too hard to do this for yourself right now (and sometimes it just is) have a think about how a friend or good family member might describe you, what would they say? I bet there is something to like in there!

So this Valentine’s day rather than getting caught up in the negative narrative, focus on the positives, the things you like about yourself – you owe yourself that much and we all need to start somewhere.

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The Enthusiast

Are you the enthusiastic one, who looks to encourage them even if sometimes the dreams seem a little far-fetched or unachievable?

The Realist

Perhaps your friends come to you because they know you are the person who will be encouraging, but will also be authentic and realistic about what they’re trying to achieve?

The Disapprover

Or are you the friend wo tends to “p*** on their fireworks?” Obviously, no one wants to be known as the disapprover – it sounds quite miserable or even as if you’re a little jealous – but there are people out there who cannot contain their disapproval of others’ actions.

How do they show it?

They tend to be the friend or family member that has a good line in tuts or eye rolling. If they’re not quite that dramatic, they might decide to explain to you why things just won’t work. No encouragement, no enthusiasm, just a list of the reasons NOT to do something.

Keep a check on ourselves.

Sometimes, if we are feeling a bit low, run-down or tired, it is quite easy to slip into disapproval mode. We can seem negative and then when we leave, we feel bad that we weren’t more encouraging. We know we’ve left the other person feeling delated. Who wants to do that?

My mum (and I expect yours too) always used to say, ‘if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all!’

If you’re asked your opinion, just check in with yourself that you are not going to ruin their moment. I’m not suggesting you go along with whatever is said just to keep the peace BUT if they ask you to be honest, maybe just check with them as to how ‘honest’ they want you to be!

If you can see that they really need you to be enthusiastic and you think that it’s a terrible idea, saying something like “it’s lovely to see you so fired up about this, explain to me a bit more about how X works.” Or “this isn’t something I have experience in – I’m so pleased you’re buzzing, but you might get more helpful feedback from X.” It will give you some space to think about how you handle the conversation and not hurt other’s  feelings.

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Firstly, there are the practical things that we can do to make a difference. Here are some the things you could do – and how you could start doing them:

Practical ways to make a difference.

1. Identify your passion and purpose
   Identify a cause that aligns with your passion and do some research into it
   Understand that even small actions can have a significant impact over time
2. Educate yourself
   Stay informed about current social, environmental, and community issues
   Educate yourself on the root causes and potential solutions related to your chosen cause
3. Volunteer locally
   Find local organisations or charities that align with your values
   Offer your time, skills, or resources to contribute to community initiatives
4. Raise awareness
   Use social media and other platforms to raise awareness about your chosen cause
   Share information, success stories, and opportunities for others to get involved
5. Connect with like-minded individuals
   Join community groups, forums, or events related to your cause
   Build a supportive network of individuals who share your passion for positive change

Inspire others.

Making a difference is not reserved for a select few; it’s a journey that anyone can embark on. By identifying your passion, staying informed, and taking action, you can contribute to positive change. Remember that every effort counts, and collectively, individual actions can lead to a more compassionate and sustainable world.

Demonstrate the change you wish to see in the world through your actions. Inspire others to join you in making a positive impact.

Day-to-day inspiration.

For those of you not able to commit to the bigger projects or time heavy activities, focus on what you can do each day.

How can you make a positive impact in your world right now?

• A smile to a passer-by?
• A chat with the check-out operative?
• Helping someone with a heavy load?
• Holding a door open?
• Helping someone with their buggy?

There are so many small things that we can do each day where we can make a difference to someone else’s life.

What can you do?

The post We all want to make a difference. appeared first on KATE TILSTON - PRACTICAL LIFE COACH.

Are you feeling overwhelmed with life and it’s making you feel anxious?

Are you able to protect the space around you, both mentally and physically?

You are NOT failing.

Sometimes we have to acknowledge that we don’t actually have the capacity to take on anything else. We don’t have physical space, we don’t have the time, we don’t have the energy. YOU ARE NOT FAILING!

It is really important to be able to recognise when we need to step away from other people’s stuff. It doesn’t have to be a monumental leap, never to return again but a step back, creating some space around yourself so that you can continue working on your stuff and making sure that you are okay.

Lose the “guilt conversation.”

When I talk to clients, particularly women, they get into the whole “guilt conversation” in their head – not wanting to let people down, wanting to be available for family and friends but at the same time recognising they don’t have the capacity to help at that moment in time.

So how do you step back and manage this with kindness?

• Be clear with people – explain to them that at the moment you have a lot on yourself, maybe direct them to another friend or family member.

• Before you commit to something, ask yourself “will this serve me well or add to the overwhelm?” What I mean by does this serve me well, is – am I okay to do this/commit to this right now. It’s not about being self serving!

• Give yourself time to think before you say yes to something – “can I call you back when I’ve checked everyone’s diaries?” “I need to check with X before I can let you know.”

• Don’t instantly respond to text messages whether it’s an invite or a request for some help. Take your time to work out if you have the space and time to commit to something.

Protecting your physical and mental space is a massive part of self-care. If you can live your life NOT filled to the brim with other people’s stuff, if you monitor your capacity to take on other people’s problems, only saying “yes” when you have the space and the time, you will feel lighter and less overwhelmed with life in general and that has to be a good thing doesn’t it.

The post What is your capacity? appeared first on KATE TILSTON - PRACTICAL LIFE COACH.

Do you have conversations with people about NOT feeling appreciated?

For you to feel appreciated, what must happen? I talk a lot about gratitude and being grateful for things/people in our lives as do many others, but there doesn’t seem to be much discussion about appreciation and how we can both show others we appreciate them or explain to others how they can help us to feel appreciated.

I suspect that given some thought, you can probably come up with several examples where you’ve felt unappreciated or certainly situations where the level of appreciation hasn’t seemed to “match up” to what you might have done?

I actually feel quite uncomfortable even writing this as it sounds a little “needy” but having experienced a couple of occasions where I have felt unseen, unheard, not really appreciated, it got me thinking and of course, it’s come up in sessions with clients who’ve felt the same.

I realised that for me, in order to feel appreciated, I need action rather than words. Don’t get me wrong, a thank you or an acknowledgement of what I have done is gratefully received but in certain instances, it feels like the easy option or lacking effort.

Now I know that it’s not always appropriate to display appreciation by a physical action – flowers, a card etc. but in some instances, a kind thought, a demonstration that you have been thought of and perhaps prioritised can take very little effort but can make the receiver of the attention feel special, appreciated.

I am an actions person and therefore when someone takes the time, makes the effort to actually do something for me, it means a HUGE amount, but I am not particularly good at explaining that to others. I assume (and we all know that seldom ends well) that people will miraculously recognise that it’s the little but physical actions that will make me feel appreciated – the cup of tea, someone suggesting I sit down while they wash up, doing something to make my day easier without being asked, the pound bunch of daffodils just because they can…..I could go on.

So, I’m going to work hard to try and voice to my loved ones, what they can do to help me feel appreciated (if I’m going to talk the talk, I need to walk the walk.) I’m also going to make sure that I continue to demonstrate small acts of kindness to people I love to ensure that they too feel appreciated and seen.

It’s not always the extravagant gifts, it’s not just the words “thank you”, it’s the little things, the effort you put in, that go such a long way in showing your appreciation for those you love and care for.

The post Appreciation…..how do we show it? appeared first on KATE TILSTON - PRACTICAL LIFE COACH.

• noun

“The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.”

Last week, I had a conversation with a client about feeling grateful and how it was something that they wanted to a) continue feeling and b) wanted their children to be more aware of. We discussed as to how easy it is to forget the little things, the things that make a huge difference to our lives that somehow go unnoticed.

So, gratitude is an emotion similar to appreciation and research has found neurological reasons why so many people can benefit from the practice of expressing thanks for our lives, even in times of challenge and change.

There are 2 stages of gratitude according to Doctor Robert Emmons (2003):

1. First comes the acknowledgment of goodness in one’s life. In a state of gratitude, we say yes to life. We affirm that all in all, life is good, and has elements that make worth living, and rich in texture. The acknowledgment that we have received something gratifies us, both by its presence and by the effort the giver put into choosing it.
2. Second, gratitude is recognising that some of the sources of this goodness lie outside ourselves. We can be grateful to other people, to animals and to the world. We recognise the goodness in our lives and who to thank for it, i.e., who made sacrifices so that we could be happy?

Why Gratitude Works.

Gratitude is a selfless act. Its’ acts are done unconditionally, to show to people that they are appreciated. “A gift that is freely given” is one way to understand what these acts are like.

For example, if someone is sad and you write them a note telling them how much you appreciate them, you are not likely to be asking for something in return; instead, you are reminding them of their value, and expressing gratitude for their existence. You are not waiting for a “return note” from this person.

Even when we do not expect a return, sometimes they happen. Gratitude can be contagious, in a good way. Maybe having written that note, your friend will recognise when you are having a tough time and send you a little reminder of their thankfulness to have you in their life?

There are many studies that show where gratitude can improve our mental health, some of the areas are;

1. Enhancing your wellbeing
2. Creating deeper relationships
3. Improving optimism
4. Increasing your happiness
5. Greater self-esteem

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

With this in mind, what can we do to build better practices of gratitude in our lives? A gratitude journal is a great way to start

So, this evening, before you go to sleep, think of the positive things that happened during your day and write them down in your journal. It doesn’t have to be anything huge, it can be the smallest things, maybe things that you would usually take for granted?

Some of the things I have jotted down in the past are:

• I have a safe space to sleep tonight
• I can turn on the electricity by the flick of a switch
• I turn on the tap and clean fresh water comes out

Obviously, you can also note the bigger things that you are grateful for – a promotion at work, selling your house quickly, a friend or relative that has come through a tough time – get the picture?

The trick is to do this EVERY night, even when you’ve had a “bad day” there will always be something to feel grateful for. For those struggling with depression or anxiety, this can also frame the beginning of a day: before getting out of bed, experiment and find the right time for you.

If you have children, take a moment with them before bedtime to ask them to think about something they’re grateful for themselves. Share what you’re grateful for, let them see your appreciation for the positive things in your life.

On the whole, we have lots to be grateful for even during the toughest of times, I always feel uplifted by the action of gratitude, I enjoy making people feel appreciated, I love reading about random acts of kindness and I’m grateful for those kind people in the world – practicing gratitude is a great habit to get into and can make such a difference to how you are feeling.

The post Why we need to practice gratitude. appeared first on KATE TILSTON - PRACTICAL LIFE COACH.

Playing toss and fling and bang and crash,

Break and snap and bash and batter….

“Good Grief” said Large,

“What is the matter?”

Small said “I’m grim and grumpy

Little Small

And nobody loves me at all.

“Oh Small” said Large,

“Grumpy or not, I’ll always love you,

No matter what.”

Small said “If I was a grizzly bear

Would you still love me?

Would you still care?”

“Of course” said Large,

“Bear or not,

I’ll always love you no matter what.”

Small said “ But if I turned into a bug,

Would you still love me and give me a hug?”

“Of course” said Large

“Bug or not,

I’ll always love you, no matter what.”

“No matter what?” said Small and smiled

“What if I was a crocodile?”

Large said, “I’d hug and close you tight,

And tuck you up in bed each night.”

“Does love wear out?” said Small

“Does it break or bend?

Can you fix it and stick it, does it mend?”

“Oh help” said Large, “I’m not that clever,

I just know I’ll love you forever.”

Small said “But what about when we’re dead and gone,

Would you love me then? Does love go on?”

Large held Small snug

As they looked out at the night

At the moon in the dark

And the stars shining bright.

“Small look at the stars – how the shine and glow,

But some of those stars died a long time ago.

Still they shine in the evening skies

Love like starlight never ever dies.”

The post No Matter What – By Debi Gliori appeared first on KATE TILSTON - PRACTICAL LIFE COACH.

As women, we often feel the pressure to make Christmas this magical, wonderful experience for everyone in the family and often not just our own immediate family. Not only do we feel time poor and are racing around juggling numerous tasks just to get the day vaguely organised but we also feel there are so many things we “should” be doing!

Any Life Coach will tell you that the word “should” is something we are constantly working on with clients and I have found it’s cropped up in numerous sessions recently. “I should be making home-made Christmas cards” “the children should be making presents for their grandparents” “I should be creating and making the wreath for the front door” “I should be organising drinks for friends at our house this Christmas.”

Why should you?

More to the point, do you really need to?

Managing our own expectations is what we all need to be doing at Christmas instead of putting additional pressure on ourselves to provide the perfect Christmas for one and all. If we actually think about what is important for our families, ourselves, those around us that could do with some additional help and support, you will probably find that everyone else’s expectations are far simpler than your own.

Some practical tips for managing that thought process.

1. Sit down with a cuppa or a glass of wine and ask yourself “what is the most important part of Christmas for me/us?” Maybe it’s getting together and being able to have a meal together? Maybe it’s visiting friends? Maybe it’s having some time to rest and recharge the batteries? Whatever it is, be very clear about what is important and how you could possibly achieve it.
2. Don’t add to your anxiety by comparing yourself to people/friends/family on social media, no good ever comes from that and you KNOW it’s never the reality, it’s what people want others to see. Don’t buy into it.
3. Ask those you are spending time with what is important to them? You might be surprised how little they actually want or expect and that what they really want is easy to achieve.
4. It’s a roast dinner – as much as it’s a more luxurious roast, it’s still a roast dinner and the most important part of it is actually sitting down with those we love and sharing the experience. If you choose to do the dinner differently, that is okay too, there is no rule written to say it has to look like something from a John Lewis advert!
5. Finally, you can only do what you can do – time is precious, so are you and nothing is ever perfect so don’t use all your energy trying to make it so, you being burnt out at Christmas is no fun for anyone, least of all you!

I think for me the leveller is remembering the “Covid Christmas” when we could do so little, we all promised ourselves that we would never fall into that trap again of creating a “Christmas monster” and saw the benefits of keeping it simple. There is a lot to be said for that, for being grateful for what we have and being a little kinder to ourselves along the way.

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